Michael Caven: The imperfect victimhood of male sexual abuse survivors

This commentary was first published in the New Hampshire Union Leader on Dec. 7, 2024.

WE’RE SHOCKED when a prominent person is accused of sexual misconduct. We shake our heads, but we’re rarely fully aware of how the victims are affected — especially when those victims are boys, teen boys and men.

I know. I was one of those teen victims.

So when we hear that Mike Jeffries, former CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch, allegedly sexually manipulated many aspiring male models, or that some victims of Sean “Diddy” Combs’ alleged abuse included males, do we view the victims differently? What about the Menendez brothers, who claim that years of sexual abuse led them to murder their parents? Their lawyer says the world wasn’t ready to accept the brothers’ sexual victimization. What about now? Are we ready?

When sexual abuse occurs, men are no less victims than women. But while the “Me Too” movement has led to a much broader understanding of the sexual abuses women have long endured, the same cannot be said for male survivors. You have to wonder why.

Best estimates are that one in six American males are sexually abused. But the world doesn’t want to know when boys, teens or men are abused.

Perhaps it’s revulsion at the very idea. Maybe it arises from a belief among many that males of any age should never allow such a thing to happen. Or it could have to do with the notion that teenage male victims enjoyed some aspect of the abuse — which typically involves an adult in a position of authority and trust, perhaps offering drugs, pornography and money.

We tell ourselves, quietly, that the victims were likely complicit in the abuse.

Weren’t all those ambitious male models willingly giving their sexual consent while vying for the attention of A&F’s Mike Jeffries? Did any of the alleged male victims really have to give in to Diddy?

And any predator knows that needy boys are easy prey.

I was. At 15, I basked in the attention of my high school drama teacher grooming me.

The following year my teacher suggested an “away from school” video project. I eagerly jumped at the prospect. The plot: my character, exposed at school as gay, returns home in shame, then attempts to slit his wrists in the bathtub, naked.

You may be wondering why I didn’t shout, “Sod off, creep — trying to get me out of my pants.” In retrospect, I wondered that, too.

I kept Larry Lane Bateman’s video project — and the sexually explicit Polaroids he took of me, and the sexual manipulation he orchestrated in his bedroom — a secret for a decade.

I eventually came to understand how Bateman had abused me. It was never a level playing field.

But I wasn’t a perfect victim. Believing my adult self worth as a sex object led to many questionable choices — including alcohol and drug abuse, hustling on the East Side of Manhattan, looking for adoration by older, wealthier men.

As a destitute 20-year-old, I partnered up with 60-year-old gay bar mogul, Frank Caven, who eventually adopted me as an adult — our version of gay marriage.

I turned over to authorities all the porn and explicit Polaroids that Larry Lane Bateman had sent me. Bateman was chair of the drama faculty at the prestigious Phillips Exeter Academy.

When he was finally brought to trial, in 1992, the jury hearing charges of child pornography had to decide: Did Bateman really abuse me, or was he victimized by a hustler — me? Some people suggested that my teacher and I should share a prison cell; the judge at Bateman’s sentencing ignorantly called us “two peas in a pod.”

In the foreword to Dr. Howard Fradkin’s seminal book “Joining Forces: Empowering Male Survivors to Thrive,” the Hollywood icon and male survivor Taylor Perry notes, “I think the world would be shocked at the long-term effects” that surviving sexual abuse has on men.

We all need to reconsider, then, whether our own deeply held views on male sexual abuse square with the reality of the victimization they endure. If you are a minor being groomed or abused by an adult in a position of authority — reach out to an adult you view as safe and talk about what is happening. You deserve support and protection. And if you’re an adult male sexual abuse survivor, there are supportive groups, including Men Healing (www.menhealing.org).

This I can assert joyously: Life can improve after abuse. The challenge for the male survivor is to find and accept the compassion they deserve, even if it is missing from those who might be expected to step forward. And for everybody else, there’s an obligation: to explore our own thinking, until we can fully accept the reality of male sexual abuse and deal with its consequences.

Michael Caven is now a psychotherapist in Da Nang, Vietnam.